Cara Week,
soon have been a priest for ten years. Ten years! When I was ordained a priest, what I expected and what they want? What I would say today, almost ten years from ordination? I remember the comparison of the assault with the bayonet, the day of his diaconal consecrate themselves to the Lord, as the assault with the bayonet on a day of war. Something decisive, in fact. A little 'tragic, I know, but that day it occurred to me this picture.
Thinking back to my story, I remember they were always very sensitive to the motivations of those who were "against" the church. I think of my attention to Nietzsche or the difficulty to accept the liturgical vestments in the years of seminary, especially the garment and the cooked. Clericalism, liturgical formalities, exhibitionism religious dogmatism, exterior ... all stuff to be thrown overboard!
In the seminar, I made the effort to "understand" the motivations and to see a new face of church. Yes, it was a little 'this is the route: a critical approach, I switched to a attitude more "inclusive" - \u200b\u200balthough not always finding the appropriate words - and gradually to an awareness of the richness of the Church and the teachings of the Magisterium. In short, I have noticed in me the critical transition from a firm and hard for a more respectful and understanding. I understand, in recent years, the efforts of Christians and very often their honesty and their value. I understand that the church is, first and foremost a community. I understood - or at least guessed at - the sense of some positions taken by the Magisterium, uncomfortable, but not foolish. I realized that not enough openness and dialogue, but it also takes the claim - sometimes unpleasant - Principles of "non-negotiable."
In this process of conversion and acceptance, I understand - all the brighter side - also some most problematic aspect: sometimes I get the impression that it takes me a comfortable fit body, risking to lose the attitude "critical" constructive. Becoming short of the simple "repeater" of teaching: "I do not know why, but it does so." It is the risk of becoming the "gourds", the "officials of God" or "things of religion" ...
I think of two moments, I shook in my way of training: debate about some religious figures of "frontier" and the question ventilated by "modernism" (the split between Christ and the church). Valuable in that case was the contribution of the spiritual guide and an interview with my bishop. Precious
pastoral experiences have been "direct" and years of community and vocational seminars, because I discovered my poverty and I had to resize my criticism subversive, my idealism and my enthusiastic claims of renewal. I thought, "Now I'm coming, wake up in the church ...". But this is not the case. Could not be so.
In these years, then, is a growing respect for the church. But I can not call it love. I do not feel like saying, how does someone, to "love my church." It is true that respect, I suffer for his hard work and poverty, which gladly give my contribution ... However, my involvement is always a little 'detached. The only time I felt "passionate" - in terms of excessive passion, though, and distressing - for my church, were the first years of my priestly life. It is as if he had lived - but also now lost - something important, I'm still trying, but I still can not find. If
has improved my relationship with the church, it was not adequately established my relationship with Christ. My faith is certainly something essential. It is a faith "Christian" in that it originates and is based on Jesus and follow him, but I expected little, too little and strengthened my relationship with Him Too I have neglected all these years. Christ is always the background of my life, "cantus firmus" in the words Cencini: it is a constant presence, that makes me "company" ever. "I stand at the door and knock" I know that is close to me, just outside the door. But the few times I decided to "let go". I must admit: my love for him is a bit 'faded. There is, but it is a bit 'aged. I would like to rejuvenate it, but I do not know how. In recent years, in fact, I have not properly taken care of my spiritual dimension. More than human: how many meetings of a psychological! Little did I do to cure my spiritual life. Besides his breviary, often left as the last thing of the day, a few pieces of rosary, spiritual exercises and some time in the group of young priests or some reading, I have not done much. What remains is the daily Mass, Sunday Mass - already significant - and the confession. Well, this one has held up well. Precious talks with the spiritual father: I have helped to keep alive the relationship with God and to retain a certain "honesty" inner consciousness sufficiently trained and vigilant ...
a great help, the loved and hated study: theology forced me to confront the mystery. To keep up front, although many times I get the impression that I treated with little respect. I regret that. I sometimes wonder if the study has not deterred me from relationships with people. In any case, something I have used ...
I have also helped the pastoral experiences. The visits to the elderly, the blessings, groups, school camps, meeting with people ... They made me feel and experience love for the man of my time. In these reports I have also heard the challenge to think more, to give myself more, to give something of mine ...
A priest said that old age is not a question of age. There are priests who are older than the years they have. I feel a bit 'so. Without particular enthusiasm, without any particular joy. In fact, winds in me a sense of disappointment and despair, as one who "thought one thing and if they find another." The disciples of Emmaus? In a witness - "exaggerated" - the early years of training I said that it seemed too little to deal with a family and take the kids to the park to take the ice with his wife on Sundays! Now, it seems to me that already a good result. Respectable: a job, a family ...
In recent years I have experienced in my peccable. I was wrong and you relapse, although he knew to be wrong. I do not despise my story, but I also have no particular reasons of pride. If there is one, is just what you would say s. Paul: If there is a source of pride is that which comes from the Lord. If my history is something good, this is just by God, not me. It is not ostentatious humility. It is a consciousness rooted. I once quoted this saying of the Fathers concerning Samson, which with the jawbone of an ass rout the Philistines. The Father of the Church asked, "What will God ever with a donkey in one piece?". I find it true, today. If there is good, it is because God has acted ... The donkey, however, remains an ass.
The day of my order was very "park" means an order, the first entry, refreshments, lunch with a dozen relatives ... everything here and then rest, because I tried. Nothing holy, nothing special gifts ... only subscription for missionary work. No, I do not regret this style. I do not regret your. Some may say that I did not appreciate the gift that I was done ... Maybe. However, that was it. It was about my size.
And now, on the threshold of forty years, what do we do? Or go back to the last lunge? Sometimes, I want to close everything and retire. I would say: "Take, Lord, these ten years of my life, but enough is enough." A little 'as Elijah in the wilderness: "I'm not better than my fathers ...". I wish I had a "normal" life. To the priest takes another gear, I do not know where to find. I'm just a donkey that carries the weight, but not trolling, not pushing forward, not a prospect for the future. Way back turned. Resist or carry weight, but I have flashes of imagination and ideas for the future. Often I fear for the future. I'm afraid to take the initiative. I'm afraid of not succeeding.
What to do? I have to stand here and think about how much longer before make up my mind? He must spend the entire life waiting to live my vocation and to decide for it? A nun once told me that living life as a priest "in the middle," not worth it ... Don abundance or between 'Christopher? Don Abbondio I never liked it. I always rooted for Fra 'Cristoforo! But I get the feeling sometimes that I can not and I can not live as one 'Christopher. Manzoni, in the end, does not despise Don Abbondio Indeed, in a sense redeems it. However, I do not have to be a priest like Fr Abbondio. Should I resign?
The right questions to ask now is: what is the Lord trying to tell me through all this? What are now called? What is realized today that the Lord called me for? If there is hope, if there is a possibility of salvation, it also has to do with a "re-discovery" of my love for Christ. I think that is the most important thing. The most essential. However, this return to the love of Christ can not be simply a "return to the love of youth." Must be a different love, a new love as adults. A different love, but has the features of the radical, even today. A life of priests dropped from Christ did not hold water. In the long run (maybe even too long ") gives up.
If there is no possibility of salvation, this also goes in the direction of love for myself. The give me confidence. To believe in me. Give me a chance. To me, as a person, as a believer, as a priest ... But believe in me. Trust me.
There is also another thing I have to take seriously: the consistency and managing my time. There are gray areas and areas where "let" sprout incoherence and fragility. It should always be vigilant. Alert. Always ready. Always focused on the goal ... Instead, there are areas of my life that sometimes "escape" and disperse. This is perhaps the thing that bothers me most. It is not a good thing "to cultivate" the fragility, because - paradoxically - also the fragility can "consolidate". I think it must learn to take the initiative and not passively events: learning to be creative.
The strangest thing, though, is that in the end one feels deep within himself a desire for immortal life and an unshakable sense of confidence. What is dead, will rise. Get it back on, then.
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